Talking to Your Parents About Their Will and Estate Planning

Something is happening. Many of my friends are having “situations” with their parents.

It’s frightening to see parents “lose it.” They are protective of their role as parents. Naturally, they do not want their kids to see any sign of slippage.

Some of our parents have health issues, perhaps prolonged illnesses, even severe loss of memory and the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s.

Approaching Estate Planning with Your Parents

Parents usually don’t like to talk about their finances, and would never think of discussing their will or estate plan. If they have a will. If asked, a common response is “Everything is taken care of.”

But it is our business, and odds are everything isn’t taken care of.

More often than not, nothing is taken care of. The will, if there is one, is old and irrelevant, insurance if any is inadequate, and no steps have been taken to foresee health problems — from something as basic as stairs in the house to a long-term (expensive) debilitating illness.

Parents and kids are unsure how to broach how the parents will be cared for and whether their financial affairs are in order. While it isn’t easy, it must be done.

If you think you and your brothers and sisters aren’t on perfect terms now, wait until Mom and Dad die without an updated will or trust.

Talking Points – Good and Bad

Here are some suggestions for beginning that conversation with your mother and/or father:

“So Dad, you sure look handsome today. Hey, have you ever thought about your mortality? We all die, so let’s talk about your will. Where there’s a will, there’s a way, and I am your favorite, right? I mean, as the oldest child, you believe in primogeniture I hope.”

Not. Try something like:

“You know I was reading the other day, on average, families pay (pick a number) 40% more in death taxes when they don’t plan their estates. Wills lose their effectiveness as we age.” Maybe:

“Hey Pops, have you ever heard of an inter vivos trust where you and Mom are able to put your property in a trust for the kids, which you control and you keep the money; and it reduces, or avoids estate taxes? Maybe we should check it out.”

Use an approach that your parents will relate to.

In my family while my Mom did not want to get into a family discussion about her finances, she was more than willing to let us kids talk to her financial adviser and insurance agent. And we did, and changes were made.

Case Study/Successful

Interestingly, my in-win laws would never discuss their finances with my wife or her brothers, but when I asked, as the lawyer son-in-law, they appreciatively dug out their will on the spot and we began talking. It was the beginning of an unfortunate lucky discovery. The fact that my in-laws’ will was over 20 years old was the first clue. Much work had to be done with my wife’s parent’s assets — taking steps to avoid taxes and becoming eligible for Medicaid. It worked.

Personalize the Approach

Who in the family is best suited to raise the subject with your parents, and which parent is most likely to be receptive? Maybe all the kids should join in the discussion. Or the family lawyer or a trusted family friend could help.

Appeal to what would appeal to them: saving taxes, avoiding probate, preventing a sale of the family home, loss of retirement investments, protecting the kids, protecting the kids from each other, providing for (or protecting from) a spouse preventing an ugly and predictable family dispute. Ask about their preferences for assisted living or staying in their home.

Next Week

In coming weeks (before the New Year and possible new less-favorable tax laws), we will explore family dynamics, estate planning tools, and charitable giving. Two more articles coming up.

Jim Porter is a retired attorney from Porter Simon, formerly licensed in California and Nevada. Porter Simon has offices in Truckee California and Reno, Nevada. These are Jim’s personal opinions. He may be reached at jameslporterjr@gmail.com. Like Porter Simon on Facebook. ©2025