Courtroom Bloopers

July 30, 2024

            Press the Law Review snooze button. We are breaking from our usual boring legalese-ridden guaranteed-to-put-anyone-to-sleep law review columns. Yep, it’s time for our real life, verbatim, Courtroom Bloopers. Most of these come from one of my Hastings, rather California University School of Law, San Francisco, professor’s book; Disorderly Conduct – Verbatim Excerpts from Actual Court Cases. Enjoy.

***

  1. “Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?”

* * *

  1. She had three children, right?
  2. Yes.
  3. How many were boys?
  4. None.
  5. Were there girls?

* * *

  1. “You don’t know what it was, and you don’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?”

* * *

  1. “You say that the stairs went down to the basement?”
  2. “Yes.”
  3. “And these stairs, did they go up also?”

* * *

  1. “Have you lived in this town all your life?”
  2. “Not yet.”

* * *

  1. Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”

* * *

  1. “Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?”
  2. “It was in the evening. The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.”
  3. “And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?”
  4. “No, stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.”

* * *

A defense attorney was cross examining a coroner.  The attorney asked, “Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man’s pulse?”

The coroner said, “No.”

The attorney then asked, “Did you listen for a heartbeat?”

“No.”

“Did you check for breathing?”

“No.”

“So, when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?”

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, “Well, let me put it this way.  The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere.”  (Unlikely verbatim, but we’ll let it slide.)

* * *

  1. “Did you see the defendant bite off the victim’s nose?”
  2. “No.”
  3. “Then how do you know he bit off the victim’s nose?”
  4. “I saw him spit it out.”

Jim Porter is a retired attorney from the Porter Simon law firm. These are Jim’s personal opinions. Porter Simon has offices in Truckee, California and Reno, Nevada. Porter Simon’s practice areas include:  real estate, development, construction, business, HOA’s, contracts, family law, personal injury, accidents, mediation and other transactional matters. Jim may be reached at jameslporterjr@gmail.com. Like us on Facebook. ©2023